Happy Anniversary, Mr J
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: It's the Joker and Harley Quinn's seven year anniversary. Which the Joker forgets, and which drives Harley Quinn crazy.
1. Chapter 1

**Happy Anniversary, Mr. J**

"It's seven years to the day," murmured Harley Quinn dreamily. "Seven years since me and Mr. J first got together. Right here, in this office. On this couch, in fact. And it's a good, sturdy couch, let me tell you, Johnny. Can take a heck of a lot of pounding."

"I'll take your word for it, Harley," replied Dr. Johnny Bryan, her psychiatrist, friend, and former colleague. He had also harbored romantic feelings toward her for a few years now, but was too nice a guy ever to give voice to them when she was with someone else.

"Nobody makes me feel the way he do, Johnny," she sighed. "Nobody else in this whole wide world is as special and wonderful as he is! Such a perfect, handsome, strong, smart, amazing man! I'm a lucky girl, Johnny. The luckiest girl in the world."

"It's great that you feel that way, Harley," he replied. "I love seeing you happy. And I'm afraid that hasn't always been the case these past seven years."

She shrugged. "Mr. J and me have had our ups and downs, same as any other couple. There was that time he tried to kill me. And that other time he tried to kill me. Actually, he's done that a lot. But then I did try to kill him a couple times too. And I went through that horrible sane period where I tried to give him up, you remember, Johnny, when we met. Which was the only upside of that time in my life, by the way," she said, smiling at him.

He smiled back. "Yeah, I'm glad you tried to rehabilitate yourself, Harley," he replied. "For my sake, anyway. My life would be a lot emptier without you in it."

"Aw, Johnny, you're such a sweetheart," she said, grinning at him. "When are you going to find a nice girl to settle down with? You really deserve one, you know."

"Well, since you asked, Harley, I am actually seeing a nice girl at the moment," he replied. "We met at a dinner party a few weeks ago and we've been on a couple dates. She's smart and funny and sweet. I think you'd approve."

"Aw, Johnny, that's great news!" she exclaimed, beaming. "You should bring her round so I can meet her sometime."

"Actually, she'll be picking me up after work later today," he said. "We can swing by your cell, if you want."

"I sure do!" said Harley, beaming. "Aw, I'm happy for you, Johnny. Romance is the greatest thing in the world. Well, aside from Mr. J, of course. It's a shame we have to celebrate our anniversary in this dump. Don't get me wrong, I love that it's where we met and everything, but last year he'd set up champagne on the roof of a building with a view of the Gotham hospital, and then blew it up just for me. Said the explosion and the screaming and the sirens was what was going on in his head every time he looked at me. So romantic! But it's kinda impossible to be romantic locked up like this and surrounded by shrinks and guards. Probably won't even be able to sneak a quick playtime, and on our anniversary too!" she sighed.

Johnny smiled and stood up. "Well, I've actually got a surprise for you, Harley. I know you think I'm a nice, sweet, honest guy, but I'm afraid I told a few lies and broke a few rules and arranged a little something for your and the Joker's anniversary."

He went over behind his desk and brought out a bottle of champagne, two glasses, and a cake with the words _Happy Anniversary_ written on it. "And I may have told the guards I'd escort you back to your cell personally so they weren't needed. I may have also brought Joker's appointment with me forward to right after yours, and I might have to step outside for a while during our session. So you can see if the couch is still as sturdy as you claim," he added, smiling.

Harley gaped at him, speechless. "Johnny," she breathed. "You did all this for us? Why?"

"Well, to see the smile on your face, I guess," he replied. "It's thanks enough for me, anyway."

She beamed at him. "Oh, Johnny, you're the sweetest, nicest guy in the whole entire universe!" she cried, leaping into his arms and hugging him tightly. "Thank you! Thank you so much! I won't forget this, and if there's ever anything I can do to pay you back…"

"Harley, don't worry about it," he replied. "Just enjoy your anniversary."

There was a knock on the door. Harley hid as Johnny opened it. "I've just returned Quinzel to her cell – bring him in," he said to the guards.

They shoved Joker into the office and then left, shutting the door behind them. Harley emerged from behind the desk to see Joker gazing in astonishment at the champagne and cake. "Wow…Doc…this is really sweet of you, and I'm really flattered, but I'm involved with a guy already, y'know, and I think Bats might be the jealous type."

"Aw, puddin', you're such a kidder!" exclaimed Harley, rushing over and hugging him tightly. Johnny smiled.

"I'll leave you to it," he said, opening the door. "Have fun."

"We always do!" replied Harley. The door shut, and Harley bent down and kissed Joker tenderly.

"Happy anniversary, Mr. J," she whispered.

"Gee, thanks, Harl," he said, still puzzled. "How did the shrink know?"

"It's all I've talked about for months," she murmured.

"Yeah, it's pretty impressive," he agreed, grinning. "Didn't think it would last this long. Thought one of us would be dead by now."

Harley laughed. "Aw, puddin', I love you!" she exclaimed, kissing him. "You want some champagne, sweetie?"

"Love some, Harley baby," he said.

She picked up the bottle and realized there was no corkscrew. "Gee, Johnny must have forgot the…"

Joker took it from her and smashed the neck on the table. "We can pick out the broken glass," he said, smiling as he poured it into glasses. "Or not. I know how my Harley girl loves her pain."

He lifted the glass. "On this day, a wonderful, magical thing happened to me, and I met the person who forever changed the course of my life. I hope we never stop fighting. To us."

"Oh, puddin'," breathed Harley. "God, I love you so much."

Her eyes drifted over to the couch. "I still remember it as if it were yesterday," she murmured.

He laughed. "Well, I'm sure I remember it a lot better than you do, Harl! Yep, the euphoric, miraculous feeling of suddenly being free, freed from the chains of sanity and plunged into madness, glorious, spectacular madness!"

"Yeah, that's how I felt too, puddin'," she murmured.

"And I never thought then how much we'd go through together, all the fights and battles and yet here we are, years later, and still needing each other! It just makes a guy glad to be alive, I tell ya!"

Harley beamed at him. "You wanna drink the champange on our couch, Mr. J?" she whispered. "We could maybe talk like we did when I was giving you therapy. I could play doctor again and you could play patient and we could just see where our session takes us."

He grinned. "You're a sweet kid, Harley," he said, pinching her cheek. "That sounds like the perfect climax to my anniversary!" he laughed. They went over to the couch and Harley began kissing him tenderly. "Bit warm in here, isn't it, Mr. Joker?" she whispered, as she began to undo her top. "You won't mind if I just undo a couple buttons, will you? And then the doctor can give you your medicine."

"Think you might be doing the swallowing, Doc," he whispered, grinning.

"Mmm, it's such a big pill, I'm not sure I'll be able to swallow it all," she murmured. "But I'd love to try," she whispered, devouring his mouth again.

He sighed. "This is real nice, baby. But I can't deny there's a tiny part of me that wishes I could see him today."

"Him?" she murmured, continuing to kiss him as she reached down to undo his belt. "Who, puddin'?"

"Batsy," he replied. "It being our anniversary and all."

She drew away, puzzled. "What's the Bat got to do with our anniversary?" she asked.

"Our anniversary?" he repeated. "It's _our _anniversary today, Harley. Mine and Batsy's. Ten years ago today he knocked me into that vat of acid and created the happy soul I am today."

She stared at him. "You…and Batman? You think this is all for you and…Batman?"

"It isn't?" he asked, confused.

"No, of course it isn't!" she shrieked, suddenly furious. "It's _our _ anniversary, yours and mine, you ungrateful jerk! Seven years ago today! Seven years of my life wasted on a selfish creep who can't even remember the most important day of his life!"

"Hey, I remembered it was the most important day of my life!" he retorted. "Just not for the same reasons you think it is!"

"I can't believe you thought this was all about you and Batman!" she shouted. Then a realization suddenly struck her, and she gaped at him. "Which means you picked this day, seven years ago, to seduce me…because it was special to you and Batman?!"

"I picked it so I'd only have one date to remember, all right?" he snapped.

"Well, you didn't remember it!" she shrieked. "You slimy, manipulative bastard! You thought I was going to give you time on the couch for Batman?!"

"And for me!" he retorted. "It's the day I became the Joker, Harley! Your Mr. J, whom you adore! I thought you were just showing me how much you loved me!"

She glared at him. "You disgusting creep!" she shouted, standing up and bursting into tears. "You can't even remember the one day that's extra special to you, our day, when we fell in love, because you're fixated on yourself and your relationship with a flying rodent! You don't love me! And I hate you, Mr. J! You sick, twisted monster! I hate you!"

"Harley, you're blowing this out of propotion…"

"You forgot our anniversary!" she shrieked. "There's no way I can blow that out of proportion! It just proves how meaningless I am to you! But of course, how could I ever hope to compete with Batman?! Well, you can have him, Mr. J, and I hope you're both very happy together! I never want to see you again! Never ever!"

And she rushed out of the room, sobbing. Joker sighed, standing up and picking up the cake and the bottle of champagne.

"Who wants cake?" he muttered, dumping it onto the table in the Rec Room. Two-Face, Edward Nygma, Jonathan Crane, and Jervis Tetch, who were seated at the table, all eyed it suspiciously.

"What's in it?" muttered Two-Face. "Some kinda frosting that makes you laugh yourself to death?"

"What? No!" snapped Joker. "That wouldn't be at all funny, would it, Harvey? A laughing cake? That's not a joke! It's hardly a fish, is it? If I had made it, I would have put candles on the top that exploded when you blew them out. Y'know, make a wish, and bam!" He chuckled. "Talk about being careful what you wish for! But I didn't make it, so it's just a boring, standard, everyday cake which I can't eat all on my own, so I thought I'd share with my bestest buddies."

"And what precisely is the occasion?" asked Crane. "Whose anniversary?"

"Mine and Batsy's," he replied. "Ten years we've been punching each other out."

"Congratulations," said Nygma. "Oh wait, ten years and you still haven't killed him yet. Doesn't really seem like a cause for celebration to me. More like a testament to your monumental and repeated failure."

"It's also mine and Harley's anniversary," continued Joker, ignoring him. "Seven years the little minx has been clinging to me like a leash around a puppy. One of those choking leashes that keeps tightening and slowly strangles the puppy."

"You arranged for them to be on the same day?" asked Two-Face, puzzled.

"Look, I only wanted to have to remember one date!" he snapped. "But I forgot it was also mine and Harley's anniversary, and was under the impression that she was being all sweet and romantic because of mine and Batsy's anniversary, and now she's rushed off crying and saying she doesn't want to see me again. But I didn't want to waste the cake. Or the champagne."

He took a swig out of the broken bottle, ignoring the shards of the glass that cut into his face.

"It would really be quite jolly if we only had some tea," said Tetch. "We could have quite the merry party and discuss the twinkling little Bat, and where he's at, up above the world so high, like a tea tray in the sky."

"We could certainly discuss why J hasn't been able to get rid of him in ten years," snapped Nygma. "He's an intellectually inferior being, which must make you, J, even dumber than he is."

"Maybe I don't want to kill him, Eddie," retorted Joker. "Maybe he's more funny to me alive than dead. Maybe he makes me smile with his silly little antics. Like the joy you get watching a baby play with a toy before it explodes in their face."

"My working hypothesis is that you're afraid of life without him," retorted Crane. "Afraid of the emptiness that would fill your life with his death. You would have no point and no purpose – a villain without a hero is a truly tragic figure."

" 'But the snail replied "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance - Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance. Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance," murmured Tetch, quietly.

Everyone stared at him blankly. "We were discussing tragedy," he muttered. "And the emptiness of life without a dance."

"We were discussing Batman, not snails," retorted Two-Face. "And frankly you're all talking crap. The Bat ain't dead because he's lucky. When a guy's got luck on his side, there's nothing anyone can do. And she's a harsh, merciless bitch."

"Speaking of harsh, merciless bitches, maybe you had better go see Harley's ok," said Nygma.

"She's fine," snapped Joker. "She's only doing this for attention. Let her have a cry, and a night to sulk, and she'll be all smiles and affection tomorrow."

"Are you sure?" Nygma asked.

"Of course I'm sure!" he snapped. "She's been my personal ball and chain for the past seven years! I know how her little mind works. She never stays mad for very long."

"She's gotta be permanently mad to put up with you as a boyfriend," retorted Nygma.

Joker grinned. "Here's a riddle for you, Eddie. Why do I have a girlfriend and you don't? Any guesses? Hmm? Because you're a socially retarded loser who talks in goddamn riddles, that's why! So just shut up and worry about your own non-existent relationship rather than sharing your opinions about mine! In fact, the last thing I want to do is talk about women surrounded by this pack of dateless wonders! Between you, the absent-minded professor, and the guy who dreams of dating children in Wonderland, your input is about as useful as Barbara Gordon's legs! So beat it!"

They all three glared at him. Joker smashed the champagne bottle again, so that both its edges were serrated, and then held it above his head. "I said beat it!" he growled. "Leave the men to talk like grown-ups while you still got legs that work. That Barbara Gordon reference really made me hungry to paralyze someone again."

They obeyed reluctantly, leaving Joker and Two-Face alone. "Waste of good champagne," sighed Joker. "I tell ya, Harv, it makes you wanna cry."

"Think we actually need something stronger if you wanna talk about women," muttered Two-Face, standing up. "Got something in my room."

Joker followed him into his cell, where Two-Face moved a stone in the floor and pulled out a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. "Double malt, I should have guessed," said Joker, smiling as he read the bottle.

"22 year old vintage," said Two-Face, nodding. "I'm nothing if not consistent."

"Don't like being predictable myself, Harv," said Joker, taking the glass he poured for him. "Makes life so boring. The fun's in the spontaneity and surprise."

"Yeah, it must be real fun for you having to deal with Harley's emotional moodswings all the time," retorted Two-Face. "That must be a barrel of laughs."

"She's always entertaining, I must admit," replied Joker. "Life's never dull with her around. Why do you think I've kept her for seven years?"

"She ain't bad-looking," retorted Two-Face, shrugging. "Got a nice ass. And a nice pair of tits."

"Trust you to notice the pairs, Harv," replied Joker, grinning. "But I ain't a superficial guy. There are things that matter more to me than looks."

"Such as?" asked Two-Face, sipping his drink.

"Good sense of humor," replied Joker. "That's the most important thing. And a penchant for pain. Harley really enjoys her beatings, the harder the better," he murmured, grinning as he sipped his drink.

"Pammie said the two of you were really sick," muttered Two-Face.

"Pammie ain't one to talk," retorted Joker. "You know what she gets up to with those plants, right?"

"I don't like to think about it," he growled.

"That's right, I forgot you two used to date," said Joker, grinning. "That must be hard, Harv, knowing you drove the ex to vegetables."

"Serves her right," growled Two-Face. "Bitch tried to kill me."

"Yeah, Harley's done that a couple times," said Joker, nodding. He took another drink. "Kinda hot when they try to kill you, isn't it?" he murmured, grinning.

Two-Face stared at him, then looked down into his drink, swirling it. "Yeah," he muttered. "Yeah, it kinda is."

Joker chuckled. "I'm afraid I may have misjudged you, Harvey. You and me are the same type of men. Oh, there are differences to be sure - you're a half-deformed freak with an obsessive-compulsive disorder, and I'm the greatest criminal mastermind this city has ever seen, but we both get a thrill out of the fight. And sometimes, much as we don't like to admit it, we get a thrill out of losing the fight. Out of being beaten, in both the figurative and the literal sense. Maybe that's why we fight Batsy – because we know we're going to lose. And maybe sometimes that's just what we want."

"You're crazy, J, you know that?" retorted Two-Face, downing his drink.

Joker grinned. "Yeah, so I've heard. Completely out of my mind."


	2. Chapter 2

"He's a bastard, Red, an evil, lying, heartless, selfish bastard!" sobbed Harley to Poison Ivy through the gap in their cells. "And we're through, you hear me?! No more Joker! Not ever!"

"It would be nice if I believed you, Harley," retorted Ivy, reading a magazine. "But I don't."

"I mean it this time, Red!" she cried. "He's put me second to that Bat jerk for the last time! Seven years of my life I've wasted on that psychotic creep, but no more! It's over!"

"Sure, Harl," murmured Ivy, flipping the page of her magazine. "Whatever you say."

"I hate him, Red!" she sobbed. "I hate him, and I ain't ever going back to him, not ever!"

Ivy sighed. "Harley, let me tell you what's going to happen. You're going to cry for a bit, and curse him, and make all these big promises to me about never returning to him. And then he's going to come see you, and say 'sorry, puddin',' and you're going to forgive him totally and completely. And then you'll continue to be happily abused and degraded by him for another seven years."

Harley glared at her. "He don't call me puddin'," she snapped, sitting down angrily on her bed.

"Harley? What happened?" asked Johnny, coming over to her cell. "I got back to my office and you weren't there, and neither was Joker. Are you both ok?"

"I'm ok, yeah, Johnny," retorted Harley. "He's a jerk, though, a complete and utter jerk, and I don't want to see him ever again!"

"Or at least until tomorrow," said Ivy. "You're new to the melodrama, Johnny, but that's how these things always play out."

"Is there anything I can do?" asked Johnny, concerned.

"You can bring round your sweetheart so I can meet her," replied Harley, forcing a smile. "It'd be a nice change to see a gal happy with a kind, thoughtful guy after spending time with Mr. J."

"Well, she's waiting in my office if you really want me to bring her," he said. "But Harley, are you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine, Johnny, don't worry," she retorted. "It'll do me a lot of good to see you happy. Y'know, just like you went through all that trouble just to see me smile," she said, beaming at him.

He smiled back. "I'll be right back," he said, striding off.

"So, Johnny's found a nice girl to settle down with," said Ivy, frowning. "Well, that's annoying. I kept hoping he'd pop down to my cell one night and wanna prune my hedge. Plus if you and J are through, Harley, the doctor is in with a chance."

"I don't deserve Johnny," she retorted. "He deserves a nice, sweet girl to match him. I ain't nice and sweet. It would never work out between us. I deserve a guy like Mr. J, a slimy, abusive, manipulative jerk."

"You shouldn't undervalue yourself, Harley," replied Ivy.

"I don't," she retorted. "I'm just being honest, Red. I'm a crazy bitch with a violent temper and I get my kicks from being slapped around. Mr. J and me are meant for each other. Even though sometimes I just wanna beat that smile off his goddamn, smug face."

"Join the club," retorted Ivy. "We've got T-shirts."

Harley saw Johnny returning with a woman. "Aw, I'll bet she's some nice school-teacher type from the suburbs," she sighed. "Whose dream is to settle down in a cottage with a nice picket fence and a couple of kids and be a loving and loyal wif…Selina?!"

The woman was who now standing in front of Harley's cell with her arm around Johnny's was indeed Selina Kyle, otherwise known as Catwoman, one of Gotham's most notorious criminals and friend to both Harley and Ivy. Not that anyone else knew that, of course, and Johnny looked in confusion from Selina to Harley.

"You two know each other?" he asked, puzzled.

Selina gave Harley a warning look, which she understood. "No…of course we've never met personally…but I've seen her picture in the society pages," muttered Harley. "Selina Kyle, lady of leisure. Not the nice, school-teacher type."

"Well, it's time you were properly introduced," said Johnny. "Harley, this is Selina Kyle. Selina Kyle, Dr. Harleen Quinzel. We used to work together before she…um…became unbalanced."

"You make it sound like she fell over, Johnny!" laughed Selina. "I guess you're too sweet to say she went nuts. But it's lovely to meet you, Dr. Quinzel."

"Call me Harley," growled Harley. "Everyone does."

"Dr. Bryan, there's a phone call for you," said an attendant, running over.

"Oh. I'll just go take that. Selina, if you want to stay and talk with Harley, I'm sure she'd appreciate it."

"Yeah, I really would," muttered Harley.

Johnny left them. "Selina, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" demanded Harley.

"Dating a rich, handsome doctor," replied Selina. "Didn't know it was a crime."

"Well, it is!" snapped Harley. "Johnny's a nice guy and he deserves to be with a nice, sweet, sincere girl, not a cat who'll play with his heart like it's a mouse, and break it when she gets bored!"

"Aw, sounds like someone's jealous," murmured Selina, in mock sympathy. "What's wrong, Harley? Got the clown's gun but no 'bang' flag?"

"There ain't nothing wrong with Mr. J's gun," growled Harley. "I ain't jealous, I just don't want Johnny getting hurt. Which he will, if he stays with you any longer. You dump him right now, you hear me?"

"Oh right, because that won't hurt him, dumping him for no reason," retorted Selina, rolling her eyes. "Don't be such a self-righteous baby, Harley. Just let me have my fun. I never come between you and yours, after all, not like Ivy."

"And may I ask why you didn't tell me you had landed a cute doctor?" demanded Ivy. "I thought you were still hung up on the Bat."

Selina shrugged. "He wasn't biting. I'm not the kind of pathetic girl who clings on when there's no hope of a nibble. Not like you, Harley."

"Now Selina…"

"Don't defend her, Ivy, you've called her pathetic countless times," retorted Selina. "She must know what you really think."

"Yeah, I know what you both think, and you're both wrong!" shouted Harley. "But this ain't about me, this is about him! Selina, I mean it, end it before I end it for you! I won't stand by and see you hurt him, you understand me?"

"I'm really, really scared, Harley," retorted Selina, sarcastically. "But can I just remind you that you're locked up in there, and I'm free out here. So Kitty's going to play while the sun shines."

She grinned as Johnny returned to them. "Just gonna go start the car, darling," she murmured, kissing his cheek. "See you in a second."

She left and Johnny turned to Harley, smiling. "So, what do you think?" he asked.

"She's all wrong for you, Johnny," snapped Harley. "Stuck-up society bitch who only cares about her money and herself. She don't deserve a nice guy like you."

Johnny was stunned. "Harley, I would have thought you of all people would be a little more sensitive. You know what it's like to have people disapprove of your relationship, after all."

"Yeah, but they're wrong, and I'm right!" snapped Harley. "Johnny, you gotta listen to me! She's not what she seems! Please trust me!"

"You've just met her, Harley," he retorted.

"I ain't just met her!" she shouted. "She's Catwoman! One of the greatest jewel-thieves in the world! And she don't deserve you!"

Johnny stared at her. "Harley, I can't believe you would make up lies like this about the woman I care for," he murmured. "I know you and Joker have had a fight, but that's no reason to be spiteful of my happiness. I always thought you were better than petty jealousy."

"I ain't jealous!" she shrieked. "I'm just telling the truth! I'm trying to help you, Johnny, because I do care about you, and I don't want to see her break your heart like she always does!"

Johnny nodded slowly. "I'll try to forgive you for this, Harley," he murmured. "But in future I would ask, as your friend, that you reserve commenting on my relationship, just as I reserve commenting on yours. See you tomorrow."

He left her. Harley glared after him. "Oh, this is the worst anniversary ever!" she shouted. "Why are all the guys in my life stupid, dumb jerks?!"

"Because they're guys," muttered Ivy.

Harley stormed over to her mattress, turning it over. "C'mon, Red, we're busting outta here," she snapped. "I was saving this for me and Mr. J to make our escape later today, but screw him. Saving Johnny from that catty bitch is more important than trying to make the clown happy."

"Really?" asked Ivy, astonished. "You really think something's more important than making Joker happy?"

"Sure," retorted Harley, placing the bomb against the door and covering her ears as it counted down. The seconds ticked by and Harley's frown gradually softened. "Well, maybe we'll stop by to pick him up first," she muttered.

"I knew it," growled Ivy, as the door exploded.

Harley seized her hand and pulled her out of the room. They ran down the corridor, guards rushing after them, until they reached Joker's cell. It was empty.

"He ain't even here!" screamed Harley, furious. "Eddie, where's Mr. J?"

"With Two-Face, last time I saw him," retorted Nygma, from the cell next door.

"Dammit, that's the other side of the asylum!" cried Harley. "That bastard! If it weren't our anniversary I'd just leave him to rot…"

She punched a guard in the face, seizing the gun he dropped. "Not the time to mess with me, boys!" she shouted. "I'm having a bad day!"

She sprayed bullets down the corridor, then grabbed Ivy's hand and ran again.

"What the fu…" began Two-Face, as he saw two shapes approaching his cell. Then he and Joker both hit the ground as bullets riddled the glass in front of them, shattering it.

"Aw, baby, a violent escape on our anniversary!" cried Joker, leaping to his feet as the shooting stopped. "You just think of everything, you clever girl!"

"Shut up, Mr. J, I ain't forgiven you yet," snapped Harley, grabbing his hand. "And I was aiming for your face, you stupid clown. But since you're alive, let's get outta here. You might as well come too, Harv. Red needs a guy to hate too."

The four of them raced down the hall, Harley occasionally blasting any guards who approached them. They ran out into the parking lot, where Harley shot a guy getting into his car, and then leapt inside, dragging Joker after her. Ivy and Two-Face climbed into the backseat just in time as Harley stepped on the gas. Joker, who was still holding the bottle of whiskey, suddenly chuckled, pouring it out the window and watching as police cars raced after them, sirens blazing. Then he lit a match and threw it out the window. It caught on the trail of alcohol, blowing up two police cars and causing the others to screech to a halt in front of the blazing inferno. "There you go, Harvey, two for the price of one!" cackled Joker. "That'll teach them to drink and drive!"

He giggled to himself, turning to Harley. She wasn't smiling – her face was stern and resolutely fixed on the road. "C'mon, baby, that was a good gag," he said. "Drinking and driving. Get it?"

"I ain't stupid!" she shouted. "You don't have to explain jokes to me, Mr. J, ain't you learned nothing in seven years?! If you have to explain a joke, then it's no joke, ain't that what you told me?!"

"Yeah, good memory, sweets," he replied, impressed.

"At least one of us can remember stuff!" she shrieked. "That was the time you pushed me out of a window because I tried to kill Batman! And I still wish I'd killed the bastard, because maybe then you could remember our goddamn anniversary!"

"This is really awkward," muttered Two-Face, as silence descended over the car.

"You'll get used to it," replied Ivy. "And it won't be as awkward as when they make up. Trust me."


	3. Chapter 3

"So when are they going to make up?" muttered Two-Face, leaning against the kitchen counter. They had driven to one of Joker and Harley's hideouts, so they could pick up some weapons to threaten Catwoman with and save Johnny. Two-Face and Ivy had decided to come along, as it seemed like a fun idea, and Harley had told them to wait in the kitchen while she and Joker got some stuff from their bedroom. That had been two hours ago. Two hours of almost constant shouting and arguing and fighting, which both Ivy and Two-Face could hear clearly through the thin walls.

"This _is_ them making up," retorted Ivy. "Step one - the shouting. Step two - the fighting. Step three - the random acts of violence."

As she spoke, they heard a banging, then several bangings, as if people were throwing punches at the wall. Or objects, thought Two-Face, as he heard glass shattering.

"Shouldn't be too long now until step four," sighed Ivy.

"Oh, Mr. J!" groaned Harley suddenly. "Oh, Mr. J! Oh, God, yes, harder, puddin'!"

"Yeah, step four," muttered Ivy. "The really disturbing make up sex. You don't want to hear this – let's go watch some TV."

Two-Face readily agreed, and they went into the living room, sitting down on the sofa and turning on the TV. Ivy turned the volume up loudly to try to drown out Harley's cries. It didn't entirely work.

"Well, at least they're enjoying their anniversary," growled Two-Face at last.

"Seven years she's been wasting her life with that clown," muttered Ivy.

"Jealous, Pammie?" asked Two-Face. "Just 'cause we didn't even last a year, it's no reason to be bitter towards Harley."

"How could I possibly be jealous of that disgusting, dependent, abusive relationship?" snapped Ivy. "I'd rather be on my own than be in a mess like that. At least I've got some self-respect."

"Yeah, that's important," agreed Two-Face. They watched TV in silence again, broken occasionally by Harley's cries of delight. "But at least she's getting some," he muttered.

"Yeah, that's important too," sighed Ivy. "Seems like it's been ages since I got my garden watered."

"It ain't easy being on your own," muttered Two-Face. "Even if there are two people in your head, sometimes you don't want them to be in your head. Sometimes you want them to be somewhere where you can…I dunno. Screw 'em."

"Was that an expression of dismissal, or something you wanted to do to another person, Harv?" asked Ivy.

"Both," he retorted.

They were silent again, both trying very hard to ignore Harley's shrieks. "There's no reason those two have to have all the fun all the time, y'know," murmured Ivy.

"I was just thinking all that screaming was putting me in the mood," murmured Two-Face. "If you wanted to…y'know…"

"What?" murmured Ivy, turning to face him.

He shrugged. "I don't know. Fool around or something."

"Is this you being romantic, Harv?" she asked.

"Dunno," he murmured. "Is it working?"

In response, she seized his face in her hands and kissed him. Their hands were all over each other as Two-Face pushed her down onto the sofa.

"Back in a second, puddin'!" called Harley's voice suddenly. A second later, she skipped into the living room.

Her jaw dropped as Ivy and Two-Face quickly broke away from each other, scrambling to fix their clothing. "Oh God…sorry…um…didn't mean to…uh…interrupt anything."

"You weren't interrupting anything, Harley," retorted Ivy, firmly. "It's not what it looks like."

"Yeah, it is," growled Two-Face. "But it's nothing, just a mistake, y'know…"

"You calling me a mistake, you ugly bastard?" demanded Ivy, suddenly furious.

"Didn't seem so ugly to you a second ago, Pammie!" snapped Two-Face. "So shut your face, you stupid little bitch!"

"Aw, ain't romance just terrific?" sighed Harley. "Just going to make me and Mr. J a cup of coffee, if you two want one. Need to replenish all that energy we've lost for the job tonight."

"Yeah, fine," muttered Two-Face, folding his arms across his chest. Ivy didn't look at him.

"Red?"

"Fine," she snapped. "I'll come with you, Harley."

"So you and Harvey…" began Harley as the door to the kitchen shut.

"I said it was nothing, Harl!" she shouted. "I don't wanna talk about it!"

Harley shrugged, going over the coffee machine. "I don't know why my best friends don't ever wanna tell me about their love lives," she muttered. "First Selina not telling me about her boyfriend, and now you clamming up about your…"

"He's not my boyfriend, Harley!" shouted Ivy.

"Yeah, yeah, fine, whatever," retorted Harley. "But you'd make a good couple, you know. Not like Johnny and Selina – he's too good for her. But you and Harvey deserve each other. You're both crazy, dangerous, homicidal supercriminals."

"Is that meant to be a compliment?" she asked.

"Sure it is," she replied. "He likes to leave things to chance, but you're a forward-planning kinda gal – you could balance each other out nicely. Y'know, the way Mr. J and I do."

"In what way do you possibly balance each other?" she demanded. "You're both random, psychotic maniacs with a passion for bad jokes and violence!"

"Yeah, soulmates," sighed Harley. "But, y'know, he don't like to be bothered about little details, so I handle those for him. He takes care of the big things, like killing the Bat, and I take care of the little things, like seeing his shirts are clean and making his coffee. Balance, get it?"

"No, I don't get it, Harley," she retorted. "I've never got it, but it's been going on seven years now so I suppose I should give up trying to stop you and focus on things that actually have a chance of happening."

"Yeah, like your and Harvey's relationship," agreed Harley.

"I've said…"

"Harley, hurry up with that damn coffee!" shouted the Joker's angry voice. "What's taking so long? You want me to die of thirst, you useless dame?"

"Coming, puddin'!" she called. "You can make yours and Harvey's can't you?" she said, hastily pouring two mugs and rushing out of the room. "Puddin' needs me."

Ivy sighed, pouring two more cups and then returning to the living room. Two-Face kept his eyes firmly on the TV and grunted in thanks when Ivy handed him the cup. She sat down next to him and they were silent for a long time.

Ivy suddenly opened her mouth to speak when Joker and Harley entered the room. "Phew, glad we didn't come in _in flagrante_," chuckled Joker. "It's customary to hang a tie on the door, y'know. Saves a lot of awkwardness."

Ivy glared at Harley. "You told the clown?" she growled.

"And why shouldn't she tell me the good news?" asked Joker, grinning. "When can we expect wedding bells from you two lovebirds?"

"Either shut up or I'll break your face, clown," growled Two-Face.

Joker shook his head. "Must not have been very good," he murmured to Harley. "But I can't say I'm surprised. Pammie hasn't had much practice with human beings in a long time, has she? Just not the same with plants, I guess."

Ivy suddenly punched him in the face, knocking him to the ground. "Hey! Don't hit him on our anniversary!" shouted Harley. "That's my job!"

"Get out of my way so I can beat the sick, disgusting freak into the ground, Harley!" shouted Ivy.

"Don't call my precious puddin' names!" she shouted. "It's rude!"

"You called him a psychotic creep earlier!" shrieked Ivy.

"Yeah, but he's _my _psychotic creep," she retorted, helping Joker up and kissing him. "So I can call him that. You can't."

"Calm down, Pammie," muttered Two-Face.

"You don't tell me what to do!" shrieked Ivy, rounding on him. "You ain't my boyfriend, and even if you were, you wouldn't be allowed to tell me what to do!"

"Don't think I don't remember that," retorted Two-Face.

"I recommend a firm backhand, Harv," said Joker, grinning. "Sometimes just for no reason. Spontaneity is the key to a happy, lasting relationship, and it keeps the ladies interested. It also teaches them who's boss, and once you punch them once, they'll be begging you for more."

"Look, I'm going to beat the crap out of somebody tonight, and if you don't want it to be one of you, we'd better get over to Selina's quick!" snapped Ivy. And she stormed from the room.

"Can see why you might be reluctant to take that on, Harv," said Joker, nodding. "If there's one thing I've learned in the past seven years from my Harley girl here, it's that love makes people even crazier than they already are. And Pammie's a whole heap of crazy. Better you than me."


	4. Chapter 4

"It was a really nice idea to stay in tonight, Selina," said Johnny, sitting on the sofa in Selina Kyle's penthouse apartment. "And it's really sweet of you to cook for me. I thought you might have a cook, or a butler, or something."

"I like to do things for myself," replied Selina, emerging from the kitchen, stirring a pan. "If a girl can't rely on herself, who can she rely on? Up until recently there wasn't a big, strong, dependable man in my life. Well, not one who was interested in me personally, anyway," she muttered.

"I hope you know you can always rely on me, Selina," he replied, sincerely.

She smiled. "Yeah. You're a nice guy, Johnny. And I like nice guys. Hope you also know how to be a little bad now and then, though. I like my nice guys with a darker side."

She bent down to kiss him, when suddenly the door to her apartment was blown off its hinges. "Oooh, somebody's been a bad Kitty!" came Joker's insane voice, laughing. "And Harley's more of a dog person anyway, aren't you, pooh bear?"

Selina was suddenly struck from behind by Harley's hammer. "That's right, Mr. J," she muttered, standing over Selina and glaring at her. "Can't stand cats. Selfish, stuck-up, hairy fur-balls that never do what they're told."

"Harley? What are you doing here?" asked Johnny, stunned.

"Saving you from making a big mistake," retorted Harley. "And taking time out of my anniversary to do it. You should be real flattered, Johnny. I wouldn't do this for just anyone."

"Don't even think about it, Selina," said Ivy, appearing from a corner of the room and pointing her crossbow at her. Selina had been reaching for the pan she had dropped to clobber Harley with, but stopped, looking at Ivy in surprise.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. "And why are you on Harley's side?"

"Because you didn't even have the decency to tell me you'd found a boyfriend!" snapped Ivy. "People don't keep secrets like that from their best friends, Selina!"

"Well, gee, I think you can forgive her for that, Red," said Harley. "You didn't tell me about you and Harvey, after all…"

"Shut up, you stupid bitch!" growled Two-Face, emerging from the other end of the room. "I told you, nothing happened!"

Selina stared at the four of them, speechless. "Why are you all here crashing my date?!" she demanded, suddenly furious.

"It's funny," retorted Joker, grinning. "And it'll be even more funny when we reveal the big surprise to Johnny here. There's something you don't know about your girlfriend, Doc."

"I told him, Mr. J, but he didn't believe me," retorted Harley. "So you'll have to tell him, Selina."

"Selina? What's going on?" asked Johnny.

"Tell him, Selina," said Ivy, firmly.

Selina looked around at the four of them, pointing weapons at her, and sighed. "I don't know why you people all think my relationship is any of your business, but obviously I have no choice. Johnny, the truth is, I'm Catwoman."

He stared at her. "You're…Catwoman?" he repeated.

"Yeah. Notorious jewel thief, dangerous criminal, but with a good streak, when the occasion suits me," she said. "I was going to tell you, but I thought it could wait until after the third date."

"Third date?" repeated Joker, laughing. "Lucky we got here when we did! You wouldn't have wanted to sleep with a criminal, would you, Doc? It's a really dangerous thing to do. It's what drove Harley crazy seven years ago today."

"And I've loved every second of it," murmured Harley, gazing at him in adoration. "Just like I love you, puddin'."

She leaned forward to kiss him when a black shape burst through the window. "Batman? How did you get here so fast?" demanded Selina.

"I was in the neighborhood," he muttered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded. "You were spying on me? Jesus, why is everyone suddenly so interested in my private life?!"

"Batsy, you remembered!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "I'm so glad I got to see you today - it just wouldn't have been a perfect day without you!"

In response, Batman punched him in the face, and set to work battling the other criminals. Catwoman joined him, and in a matter of moments, Joker, Harley, Poison Ivy, and Two-Face were all cuffed and restrained.

"Sorry to crash your date, Selina," muttered Batman. "I'll take them away and you can resume."

"No, I think I'd better go," said Johnny, rising. "You're a very attractive woman, Selina, but I just wouldn't feel comfortable dating a criminal. It wouldn't sit right with my conscience. I hope you understand."

She shrugged. "Guess it saves me the trouble of dumping you later. I'll be honest, Johnny, you were mostly just to get Batman's attention and make him jealous. Mission accomplished, by the way," she added, grinning at him.

"I'm not jealous," he growled. "I was just doing a routine patrol in the neighborhood when I saw the explosion."

"You do an awful lot of hanging around my neighborhood for someone who's not jealous," she retorted, grinning. Batman glared at her, but said nothing.

Johnny headed for the door, then paused. "Thanks, Harley," he said, nodding at her and smiling. "And I'm sorry for not believing you. You're a good friend. Enjoy the rest of your day."

"I'll sure try, Johnny," she retorted. "But seeing as it's obviously going to end in Arkham, I don't know how much I'll be able to actually enjoy. I'll see you soon, anyway."

He nodded again and left. "C'mon, Bats, we did you a good turn, crashing the kitty's date so she couldn't get the cream with another guy," said Joker, smiling. "You can let us go, can't you, buddy? Especially today of all days."

"Why? What's today?" asked Batman.

Joker stared at him. "Our anniversary," he murmured, looking genuinely hurt. "Ten years today we've been fighting each other. Don't you remember?"

Batman shook his head. "I've got a lot of enemies," he muttered. "Can't expect me to keep track of when I first fought all of them. You're all sick criminals infesting my city, and you all need to be put away."

"Batsy…" gasped Joker, astonished. "Batsy I…gee…that's…not funny."

Harley was glaring at him. "Hurts when people don't remember your anniversary, don't it?" she snapped. "Well, it serves you right for remembering his and forgetting ours!"

Batman ignored her, going over to lead Two-Face and Ivy away. Joker stared after him, then turned to Harley. "I didn't forget our anniversary, pooh bear," he murmured. "That was a joke."

"A joke?" she repeated. "What do you mean?"

"I thought it would be funny, but it ain't funny," he muttered. "I wanted to see the look on your face. You know I love it when you get all angry and fiery sometimes. I just wanted to see how you'd react if I pretended to forget it, and put Batman first. But I knew it was our anniversary all along, and I got you a present."

His cuffed hands reached into his pocket and pulled out a detonator. "It's for you, pooh," he said, holding it out to her. "Go on. Set it off."

"For me?" she breathed, gazing at him. "Oh, Mr. J, this is the best anniversary ever! I love you, puddin'!"

He grinned. "I'll even let you give the punchline, Harley girl," he whispered. "Happy anniversary, baby."

She kissed him. "Hey, Bats!" she shouted. "Here's to another ten years of you failing to stop Mr. J! And here's to another seven years of our life together being an absolute blast!"

She pressed the button, and the floor suddenly exploded, knocking Batman and Catwoman down into the level below. The explosion left the edges of the room by the door still intact, which was where Batman had dragged Two-Face, Ivy, Joker, and Harley. Joker laughed maniacally as Harley took the knife from his pocket, cutting them both free. She then went over and released Ivy and Two-Face.

"C'mon, baby, let's beat it before Bat-brain recovers," said Joker, grabbing Harley's arm. "We've got the rest of our anniversary to enjoy, pumpkin pie! I'm sure we can fit in a couple more explosions!"

"Oh, Mr. J, you're just the most romantic guy in the whole world!" sighed Harley. "Ain't he just the greatest, Red?"

"I'll admit he's always full of surprises," retorted Ivy. "But that's all. Enjoy the rest of your night, Harley."

Harley hugged her and Two-Face, and then rushed out of the room, with Joker's arm around her waist. "We'd better go too, before Batman comes back," said Ivy.

"Yeah. I guess I'll…see you around, Pammie," he muttered.

Ivy paused, then said, "Look, Harvey, about earlier…if you ever want to…I mean…" she sighed. "It was kinda fun," she murmured. "So if you ever want to…y'know…fool around again, you know where to find me."

Two-Face grinned. "Might take you up on that sometime, Pammie," he said.

"Y'know, not a relationship or anything, just a bit of…fun," said Ivy.

"Yeah," he agreed. "We should both take a page out of the clowns' book, and have a little more fun. They seem happy enough anyway."

"Yeah," agreed Ivy. "Well, see you around, Harv."

"Bye, Pam," he murmured. They left the building and went their separate ways.

Ivy was startled suddenly by another explosion, rocking the city a little to west, and the sound of a crazy, maniacal laugh. She smiled. "Happy anniversary, you two," she murmured. "Here's to seven more years of mayhem."


End file.
